“How are you doing, Chuck?”
“Who the Hell are YOU?”
“I'm your Facebook wall.”
Not the first time I've talked to the walls... first time a wall has started the conversation.
So-o-o... how am I doing? Well, I'm sick, that's how I'm doing. I'm barking like a sea-lion, and every cough feels like a hot wire brush is scraping my lungs -- that's how I feel. I'm also depressed. Well OK, I think that it's fair to say that's not new. I finally figured out that I've been depressed for the entire past year. I'm just stuck somewhere in grief, anger and depression, and I can't make myself do anything. I can't eat, but I eat too much. I can't sleep, but I can't stay awake during the day. I can't exercise, but I pace all over the house. This ain't workin' for me, so I have an appointment with a counselor next Wednesday.
It's not like I've never been depressed, but always before I would get bored with it in a day or so and quit. This time... I'm bored with it -- boy am I bored with it -- but no luck on the quit front.
Why won’t it go? Damifino. Th’ Luvly Laura died a week before Christmas a year ago. I was devastated. I knew it was coming, but when it got here I wasn’t ready, and I was furious, I was betrayed and I was lost. But time went on, and I expected to see things thru farther seeing eyes, but it didn’t seem to be happening. So I lived with the sudden bouts of face-twisting grief, the fear of inappropriate outbursts of pure fury aimed at all the wrong people, and the hope that it would be better soon.
Meanwhile, I started losing people. Tim in Akron, a long distance best friend from college, died over the summer. Because of Laura’s illness I hadn’t stayed in touch, so I hadn’t been aware of how ill he was. Laura’s best friend from school lost her mother, and then her father six months later. I went to both funerals. Being free to do so was a terrible freedom, but I drove to those funerals… first to Akron, Ohio, and then a few months later in the cooler days of November to Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, DC. People in my age bracket begin losing people about now, but knowing that ain’t helpin’. Soon is long past, and it ain’t better, so we'll see if some professional listening will get me there.
“How’m I doing? I’ll get back to ya.”
Stay tuned goyz 'n burls... insight may ensue.